Late Night Joke Dump: February 26, 2012

This week's jokes: Expected

The best political jokes, propaganda and political/social commentary is almost always late at night. Here’s some of the best from the past week. On Sunday instead of Friday this week!

There are 8 million dead people who are still registered to vote. As a matter of fact, they’re the group that’s most passionate about Mitt Romney.
–Conan

Microsoft founder Bill Gates attended a fundraiser for President Obama on Friday. He wasn’t invited, but in typical Microsoft fashion he crashed it.
–Jimmy Falon

Candidates must have a slogan. Ron Paul’s slogan is “Fear the Poligrip.”
–David Letterman

Rick Santorum said today that during his 16 years in Congress, he was an outsider the whole time. You know what? After 16 years, you’re not an outsider. You’re just unpopular.
–Jay Leno

CNN is letting viewers ask the candidates questions at its next Republican debate. It’ll be awkward when they’re like, “This question’s from Mark in Texas.” Mark asks: “What else is on?”
–Jimmy Fallon

China’s vice president was in Los Angeles today. When he got off the plane, he apologized for his problem with the language. Apparently, his interpreter doesn’t speak Spanish.
–Jay Leno

The Wallenda kids started walking the tightrope at age 4. To do something like that when you’re that age, you need three things: courage, resolve, and horrible parents.
–Craig Ferguson

A man in Ireland was arrested with more than 500 pounds of marijuana. So I guess there is a little pot at the end of the rainbow.
–Jimmy Fallon

You can tell gas prices are going up in California. Prius owners are getting that smug look again.
–Jay Leno

The North Korea news agency is saying that the birds and the pandas and all the wildlife are moaning because they’re so depressed over the death of Kim Jong Il. Wait a minute. Is it possible they are moaning because they live in North Korea?
–David Letterman

Italian authorities seized $6 trillion worth of fake, worthless U.S. Treasury bonds. Pretty good counterfeit job, too. They look just like the genuine worthless Treasury bonds.
–Jay Leno

People should stop believing bizarre stories about U.S. presidents. George Washington did not have wooden teeth. Abe Lincoln did not write the Gettysburg address on an envelope. And President Obama wasn’t born in Kenya. It was Tanzania.
–Craig Ferguson

A new survey found that most hairdressers don’t like listening to their clients’ stories. On behalf of clients, I’d just like to tell hairdressers, “Ditto.”
–Jimmy Fallon

Oil prices jumped to well over $100 a barrel, and analysts say it’s due to tension in the Middle East. So, luckily, it’s just a temporary thing.
–Jay Leno

Newt Gingrich called President Obama “the most dangerous president in U.S. history.” But then he said “on the dance floor.”
–Conan

Dutch scientists say the world’s first test-tube meat, a hamburger made from cow stem cells, will be available sometime this year. Test tube meat made from stem cells. I hope it tastes as good as it sounds.
–Jay Leno

Political analysts say the key voting bloc could be birth control moms. Birth control moms are women who use birth control but apparently not correctly.
–Conan

Today is Mardi Gras. That’s French for Fat Tuesday. Unfortunately we’re all so politically correct these days, Fat Tuesday is now officially known as “Big Boned Day.”
–Craig Ferguson

A new study found that 16 percent of Americans under the age of 24 don’t have a job. There’s even a name for that group: Art History majors.
–Jimmy Fallon

During a concert at the White House yesterday, President Obama got on stage and performed with Mick Jagger. Apparently, Obama wanted to prove to Republicans that he could work with a rich old white guy.
–Conan

Santorum says that Satan has his sights set on the United States of America. And today Satan said he tries to avoid politics because it makes him feel dirty.
–Jay Leno

Today Newt Gingrich said we should use covert operations to assassinate Iran’s nuclear scientists. Gingrich also said the key to covert operations is announcing them on the campaign trail.
–Conan

Paul McCartney told Rolling Stone magazine that his pot-smoking days are over. How ironic. He’s finally at the age where he can use medical marijuana, and now he quits.
–Jay Leno

Spring training has started. Baseball is right around the corner. Pitchers and catchers reported yesterday, infielders today, and tomorrow Hollywood girlfriends report.
–David Letterman

Last week a toy store in Massachusetts accidentally received a liquor license, which explains that new toy — “Call-Me-a-Cab Elmo.”
–Jimmy Fallon

Rick Santorum said he believes that Satan has his sights on America. Apparently Satan is still upset about the time he went down to Georgia and lost that fiddle.
–Jimmy Kimmel

by Mondo
image: DBKP file
Source: Newsmax. To see all of the week’s late night jokes–even the ones we didn’t pick, click the link!

Mondo Frazier is the author of The Secret Life of Barack Hussein Obama, recently released by Threshold Editions, a division of Simon & Schuster.

Back to DBKP Front Page.

Your Ad Here