Late Night Joke Dump: January 20, 2012
This week's jokes: Improving!
The best political jokes, propaganda and political/social commentary is almost always late at night. Here’s some of the best from the past week.
THE WEEK IN JOKES
January 12-18, 2012
Number of Jokes: 19
Yuk-o-Meter: 7.00
Researchers found a frog in New Guinea that is so tiny, they believe it’s the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress.
–Jay Leno
During a campaign event on Saturday, Mitt Romney reached into his pocket and gave cash to a woman who said she was broke. Which got awkward, when she was like, “I’m also lonely!”
–Jimmy Fallon
President Obama will be going to Disney World where he’ll unveil his new plan to create jobs. And what better place for the president to talk about his jobs plan than Fantasyland?
–Jay Leno
President Obama took Michelle out to a steak restaurant for her birthday, marking the first time in months the words “Obama” and “well done” appeared in the same sentence.
–Jimmy Fallon
Mayor Bloomberg wants to outlaw alcohol in New York City. How about outlawing rats in the subway?
–David Letterman
The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, “Things you were probably doing already.”
–Jimmy Fallon
According to a study, the third Monday in January is the most depressing day of the year. Yeah, especially if you’re a Broncos fan who supports Jon Huntsman.
–Conan
I saw that a bakery in Georgia is selling “Tebowing” pretzels, inspired by Tim Tebow’s popular pose. You can tell they’re Tebow pretzels, because if you eat one in New England, you end up choking.
–Jimmy Fallon
A cardiologist now says that former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards’ trial has to be delayed because Edwards has a life-threatening condition. Hey, don’t all husbands who cheat have a life-threatening condition?
–Jay Leno
Some big election news. Jon Huntsman has officially dropped out of the 2012 presidential race. Wow, not having Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail is gonna be like . . . Well, it’s gonna be like having Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail.
–Jimmy Fallon
According to a Washington Post poll, 84 percent of Americans do not approve of the way Congress is doing its job. Sixteen percent weren’t even aware Congress is doing a job.
–Jay Leno
To help working mothers in Indonesia, a company is providing breast milk couriers. What happens is the courier takes the milk from the factory where the mother works and takes it to the factory where the baby works.
–Conan
Yahoo’s original founder resigned. If you want to know more about this situation, Google it.
–Craig Ferguson
ALSO @ DBKP:
* Late Night Joke Dump: January 13, 2012
* Late Night Joke Dump: January 6, 2012
* Late Night Joke Dump: December 30, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: December 23, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: December 16, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: December 13, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: November 25, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: November 18, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: November 16, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: November 14, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: October 14, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: October 7, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: September 30, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: September 23, 2011
There are now more obese people in the United States than there are overweight people. I think it’s safe to say that after all these years, Diet Coke is a complete failure.
–Jay Leno
Wikipedia is going to shut down at midnight. So you have less than one hour to get most of your facts wrong.
–Conan
Wikipedia is going dark to protest a bill that’s before Congress. I know what you’re thinking: “If Wikipedia is dark, who’ll supply America with bogus facts?”
–Craig Ferguson
If you live in New York City, Burger King, home of the Whopper, now delivers. Well, think about it. I mean, some nights you just don’t have the energy to get all dressed up and go out to dinner at Burger King.
–David Letterman
There’s a new app that lets you post a message on Facebook after you die. Now you can finish off that message you were typing right before you got into the head-on collision.
–Jay Leno
To protest an Internet censorship law, Wikipedia has shut down for 24 hours. So if anyone is trying to look up by bio on Wikipedia, I’m 31, an Olympic medalist, and married to Scarlett Johansson.
–Conan
by Mondo
image: DBKP file
Source: Newsmax. To see all of the week’s late night jokes–even the ones we didn’t pick, click the link!
Mondo Frazier is the author of The Secret Life of Barack Hussein Obama, recently released by Threshold Editions, a division of Simon & Schuster.
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