Late Night Joke Dump: December 23, 2011

This week's jokes: Not Bad

The best political jokes, propaganda and political/social commentary is almost always late at night. Here’s some of the best from the past few weeks.

According to a new CBS poll, 33 percent of Americans say they won’t have enough money to cover their holiday spending. I believe these people are called Congress.
–Jay Leno

Here’s why American voters are turning to Ron Paul. A team of doctors has determined that Ron Paul is physically incapable of having a sex scandal.
–David Letterman

A new poll shows that, for the very first time, voters that view President Obama unfavorably outnumber those who view him favorably. In fact, if he gets any more unpopular, legally, he might have to run as a Republican.
–Jay Leno

If there is a shutdown, 800,000 nonessential federal employees will be suspended. You know, maybe that’s our budget problem right there. We have 800,000 nonessential federal employees.
–Jay Leno

On the campaign trail, Ron Paul said he does not like his milk homogenized. After this, Rick Perry said, “I am also not a fan of gay milk.”
–Conan

Mitt Romney has called Newt Gingrich “zany.” If they are taking a good look at newt, honestly, one word comes to mind and it’s “zany?”

Now I wouldn’t be surprised if Romney hit Newt in the head with a rubber chicken.
–David Letterman

Mitt Romney said Newt Gingrich was too “zany” to be president. Newt Gingrich responded by tossing confetti in the air, squeezing a car horn, and then spraying seltzer at Mitt Romney.
–Craig Ferguson

The White House already had its annual Hanukkah reception. Yeah, first Obama lit a menorah. Then Biden made a wish and blew it out.
–Jimmy Fallon

President Obama now says he didn’t know how bad the economy was when he took office. And if it doesn’t improve soon, that’s what the next president is going to be saying.
–Jay Leno

Kim Jong Il, the crazy leader of North Korea who hate us, passed away over the weekend. And get this — his 28-year-old son, Kim Jong Un is taking over. It won’t be easy. He’s got some big women’s sunglasses to fill.
–Jimmy Fallon

When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, “I never heard of him, but then again, I don’t listen to that rap.”
–Jay Leno

It is being reported that school children in North Korea were taught that Kim Jong Il did not ever use the bathroom. So today, most school children in North Korea assumed that their fearless leader exploded.
–Conan

During the debate the other night, Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow. You know what Rick and Tebow have in common? Both their seasons will end before February.
–Jay Leno

Newt Gingrich is demanding that judges be arrested. I thought, “Whoa, that’s what two divorces will do for you.”
–David Letterman

A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on the wives when the wife finds out about the mistress. So it all balances out.
–Jay Leno

It’s been reported that Kim Jong Il’s son has been chosen as the new leader of North Korea, over his two older brothers. That’s right. They completely passed over Tito and Jermaine.
–Conan

Ryan Gosling was named “coolest person of the year” by Time magazine. Because when the kids want to know what’s cool, they put down their Internets and their smartphones and pick up Time magazine.
–Craig Ferguson

Barbara Walters named her 10 most fascinating people of the year last night here on ABC. The list included the Kardashian family, Donald Trump, Simon Cowell and Katy Perry. Is that a list of the most fascinating people or a list of the reasons the terrorists hate us?
–Jimmy Kimmel

I’ve got to admit, Christmas is strange in Los Angeles. People in Hollywood marvel when they see the nativity scene because rarely do people in this town ever see a baby being taken care of by both parents at the same time.
–Jay Leno

They say the Golden Globes predict the Academy Awards. And I thought, yes, in one sense they do predict that, because it’s going to be long and boring.
–David Letterman

In this new “Chipmunks” movie, the chipmunks wreak havoc on a cruise ship. I don’t know much about cruise ships, but they’re not usually kind to rodents. A rodent on a cruise ship would be treated worse than Michael Vick at a dog pound.
–Craig Ferguson

There was a big Internet rumor that Jon Bon Jovi was dead. That, of course, would mean that the band would be taken over by Kim Jong Jovi.
–Conan

In honor of Christmas, a town in the U.K. held a reindeer race on Friday night. And of course, it happened to be right when my Grandma was crossing the street.
–Jimmy Fallon

by Mondo
image: DBKP file
Source: Newsmax. To see all of the week’s late night jokes–even the ones we didn’t pick, click the link!

Mondo Frazier is the author of The Secret Life of Barack Hussein Obama, recently released by Threshold Editions, a division of Simon & Schuster.

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