Late Night Joke Dump: November 25, 2011

This week's jokes: Quality, not quantity

The best political jokes, propaganda and political/social commentary is almost always late at night. Here’s some of the best from the past week.

Mitt Romney has moved up to 40 percent in New Hampshire for two reasons: Herman Cain and Rick Perry.
–Jay Leno

Rick Perry announced today to satisfy environmentalists he is now using solar power. And this is brilliant thinking, using solar power to run the Texas electric chair.
–David Letterman

Happy Birthday to Vice President Biden, who turns 69 this weekend! When they saw him coming, White House staffers turned off the lights, hid behind the couch, and then waited for him to leave.
–Jimmy Fallon

The latest fashion trend in Hong Kong is eyeglasses without any lenses in them. People just wear the frames. The feeling is that they make you intelligent, even though they’re totally useless. Kind of like the congressional supercommittee.
–Jay Leno

Thanksgiving just one week away today. It’s really hard to believe it’s been a whole year since I made eye contact with my father.
–Conan

Occupy Wall Street people blocked three subway stations earlier today. Take that, all you fat cats who ride the subway!
–Craig Ferguson

The government took action and introduced a bill to classify pizza as a vegetable in schools. Mark this down: November 17, 2011: The day America gave up.
–Jimmy Kimmel

A new study found that overweight men are more likely to have children with weight problems. Or in other words, if you get your dad’s genes, you’re also going to get his sweatpants.
–Jimmy Fallon

There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn’t share it with the rest of us.
–Jay Leno

Officials in Sweden say that pigeons have started riding the subway. I doubt that would happen on New York’s subways. I mean, the rats would never stand for it.
–Jimmy Fallon

It used to that when you were going to fly someplace you would get dressed up, put on a tie and a jacket and have a couple of martinis. And that was just the pilot.
–David Letterman

Last week, a Delta pilot caused a security alert after he got stuck in an airplane bathroom. But don’t worry. The guy who couldn’t figure out a door handle eventually got out and went back to flying a giant airplane.
–Jimmy Fallon

Newt Gingrich says he wants to get rid of Social Security. Who is more qualified to give this country financial advice than a guy who ran up a half-million dollar bill at Tiffany.
–David Letterman

Herman Cain is the first Republican presidential candidate to get secret service protection. The level of protection a candidate gets depends on how well-known they are. For example, Jon Huntsman gets a 10-minute judo lesson and a plastic whistle.
–Jay Leno

The entire spring and summer line from Marc Jacobs was stolen on the way to the fashion show in Paris. The thief is considered armed and fabulous.
–Jay Leno

Teenagers are the demographic most likely to start smoking because they think it looks cool. Listen to me, teenagers. It’s not smoking that makes you look cool. It’s bullying classmates who are different.
–Craig Ferguson

There’s talk that Facebook is building its own smart phone. Not to be outdone, there’s talk that MySpace is refurbishing an old beeper.
–Jimmy Fallon

Speaking of Facebook, a recent survey showed that the average Facebook user has never met 7 percent of their friends. The article came up in my newsfeed from my friend, the Dalai Lama.
–Jimmy Fallon

A Fox News reporter asked Herman Cain what he thought of President Obama’s easing of travel restrictions to Cuba, and Cain accused him of asking a “gotcha” question. That’s when you know things are bad: When you’re attacking Fox News for being part of the liberal media.
–Jay Leno

In New York, people actually camped out to see Regis’ last show. It looked like Occupy Wall Street. But Regis’ fans are a little bit older so it was more like Occupy Wal-Mart.
–Craig Ferguson

A woman is suing Gary Busey over an incident in May where he drunkenly tackled her at an airport. When asked why he got drunk and tackled a stranger, Busey was like, “You’re gonna have to be more specific.”
–Jimmy Fallon

The big movie was the latest installment of ” Twilight” It made more than $140 million over the weekend. I have to say it’s refreshing to finally see a story about wolves and teen pregnancy that doesn’t involve the Palins.
–Jimmy Kimmel

Starbucks is planning to close down all the restrooms in its New York locations. Which explains the most popular new Starbucks order: An empty cup.
–Jimmy Fallon

by Mondo
image: DBKP file
Source: Newsmax. To see all of the week’s late night jokes–even the ones we didn’t pick, click the link!

Mondo Frazier is the author of the upcoming The Secret Life of Barack Hussein Obama, which will be released October 25 by Threshold Editions, a division of Simon & Schuster.

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