Late Night Joke Dump: October 7, 2011
This week's jokes: Consistently funny
The best political jokes, propaganda and political/social commentary is almost always late at night. Here’s some of the best from the past week.
THE WEEK IN JOKES
September 29-October 5, 2011
Number of Jokes: 28
Yuk-o-Meter: 9.00
President Obama was heckled by a protestor who called him “the Antichrist.” The protestor was detained, but released without being charged, and then later he was offered his own show on Fox News.
–Jay Leno
Police in Los Angeles are looking for vandals who broke into the Obama campaign office. They said it was probably done by someone who was angry at the president. Well, that narrows it down.
–Craig Ferguson
If you donate $5 to President Obama’s re-election fund, you have a chance to have dinner with him. The first lady will even come around and personally knock the dessert right out of your hand.
–Jimmy Kimmel
A 6th grade student from Springfield, New Jersey, who asked Gov. Chris Christie for campaign advice, wound up losing his election for student council. Worse still, he asked President Obama for economic advice and he now owes his school $14 trillion.
–Jay Leno
N.A.S.A. says they may never know where the satellite that crashed this week landed. They’re planning to wait until it shows up on eBay.
–Jay Leno
In a new interview, President Obama revealed that Steve Jobs gave him an iPad last year before it was officially released. Unfortunately, it broke when Biden thought it was an Etch A Sketch and started shaking it.
–Jimmy Fallon
They say Chris Christie decided not to get into the presidential race because he has no shot at winning. That’s not stopping President Obama though.
–Jay Leno
A group of unpaid interns are suing a film company for not teaching them anything. The film company said they did teach them something: Show business is about screwing people over.
–Conan
A woman in Indiana was arrested for drunk driving in a golf cart while she was on her way to buy a scarecrow. When the cops asked if she’d been drinking, she was like, “I’m in a golf cart on my way to buy a scarecrow. What do you think?”
–Jimmy Fallon
Kids need to go to coffee shops as often as possible. They need to see what happens if they major in philosophy.
–Craig Ferguson
Last week, an 80-year-old woman in Alabama was arrested for selling cocaine. Which is why every birthday, her grandson gets a rolled up $5 bill.
–Jimmy Fallon
That terrorist Anwar al-Awlaki, who was killed last week, was American-born and was a top recruiter for al-Qaida. You don’t often see an American taking a foreigner’s job.
–Jay Leno
First Lady Michelle Obama was spotted shopping at Target yesterday. Yeah, she told the Secret Service to keep their eyes peeled — not for threats, just for a person that actually works at Target.
–Jimmy Fallon
Amanda Knox has been acquitted. She got a congratulatory phone call from O.J.
–David Letterman
Amanda Knox is finally home and she says she doesn’t want to do anything that reminds her of Italy. So last night, they went to the Olive Garden.
–Jay Leno
Happy anniversary to President Obama and the first lady. They had a nice private dinner to celebrate the 19th anniversary of the last time someone said “yes” to an Obama proposal.
–Craig Ferguson
The founder of Home Depot announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. It’s kind of a nice story, because Mitt Romney was actually assembled with parts from Home Depot.
–Jimmy Fallon
A woman in California has been in prison for 20 years after she murdered her husband and ate him. The sad part: It was the only time she and her husband had dinner together.
–Jay Leno
Actually, President Obama did take Michelle out to a lovely dinner on Saturday. It was a little awkward, though. When the bill came, Obama just put it on the tab of the Chinese couple sitting next to them.
–Jimmy Fallon
Special Forces killed the editor of al-Qaida’s magazine. So your delivery may be a little late this month. Before this guy worked for al-Qaida’s magazine, he worked for “Carbomb and Driver.”
–David Letterman
Denmark is charging a fat food tax on cheese, meat, and oil. Here, we call that the Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast.
–Jay Leno
Citibank will soon charge $15 a month for checking accounts with less than $6,000. Finally, someone’s sticking it to those people with less than $6,000!
–Jimmy Fallon
ALSO @ DBKP:
* Late Night Joke Dump: September 30, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: September 23, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: September 16, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: September 9, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: September 2, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: August 26, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: August 19, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: August 12, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: August 5, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: July 29, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: July 22, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: July 15, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: July 8, 2011
According to the Jewish calendar, it’s the year 5772. I can always remember the Jewish new year. I just take Larry King’s age and subtract three from it.
–Conan
You guys, today is National Coffee Day! It was cool — this morning in Starbucks, they were offering $15 off every latte.
–Jimmy Fallon
Recently, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg went hunting and shot and killed a bison. Just before he pulled the trigger, he said, “Consider yourself de-friended.”
–Conan
They say Michael Jackson would routinely have eight prescription drugs in his system. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it, “Tuesday.”
–David Letterman
The speed of light is 186,000 miles per second. If the entire universe is a mile of highway, light is traveling at the speed of Mel Gibson after three margaritas.
–Craig Ferguson
Disney World is celebrating its 40th birthday! You can tell the characters are getting old. In addition to Snow White’s seven dwarfs, she now has 25 cats.
–Jimmy Fallon
by Mondo
image: DBKP file
Source: Newsmax. To see all of the week’s late night jokes–even the ones we didn’t pick, click the link!
Mondo Frazier is the author of the upcoming The Secret Life of Barack Hussein Obama,
which will be released October 25 by Threshold Editions,
a division of Simon & Schuster.
[...] to lose their jobs, and they were like, “Oh, you’ll see.” –Jimmy Fallon ALSO @ DBKP: * Late Night Joke Dump: October 7, 2011 * Late Night Joke Dump: September 30, 2011 * Late Night Joke Dump: September 23, 2011 * Late Night [...]
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[...] Not a great day for Mitt Romney. He put his foot in his mouth. He said in an interview, quote, “I’m not concerned about the very poor.” Is anybody even trying to win this thing? –Craig Ferguson ALSO @ DBKP: * Late Night Joke Dump: January 27, 2012 * Late Night Joke Dump: January 20, 2012 * Late Night Joke Dump: January 13, 2012 * Late Night Joke Dump: January 6, 2012 * Late Night Joke Dump: December 30, 2011 * Late Night Joke Dump: December 23, 2011 * Late Night Joke Dump: December 16, 2011 * Late Night Joke Dump: December 13, 2011 * Late Night Joke Dump: November 25, 2011 * Late Night Joke Dump: November 18, 2011 * Late Night Joke Dump: November 16, 2011 * Late Night Joke Dump: November 14, 2011 * Late Night Joke Dump: October 14, 2011 * Late Night Joke Dump: October 7, 2011 [...]