Late Night Joke Dump: October 14, 2011

This week's jokes: Quantity AND Quality!

The best political jokes, propaganda and political/social commentary is almost always late at night. Here’s some of the best from the past week.

---

THE WEEK IN JOKES
October 6-12, 2011
Number of Jokes: 36 (!)
Yuk-o-Meter: 9.40

---

Sarah Palin announced that she will not run for president. The reason? She couldn‘t find her birth certificate.
–Jay Leno

There’s a bill in Florida to repeal the state ban on dwarf tossing. Is this what Republicans mean when they say they want smaller government?
–Jimmy Kimmel

Ben Bernanke told a congressional committee that the economic recovery is close to faltering. On the bright side, most Americans won’t be affected because we had no idea there was a recovery.
–Jay Leno

YouTube has launched a politics channel so that people can easily find videos of the presidential candidates. Today they posted their first video, “Cat Winning a Debate Against Michele Bachmann.”
–Jimmy Fallon

The economy in New York City is so bad that in Central Park, I saw pigeons feeding old people.
–David Letterman

Unemployment is still at 9.1 percent. Well, 9.2 percent if you count Hank Williams, Jr.
–Jay Leno

Herman Cain compared his run for president to Moses leading his people out of Egypt. Cain said it took Moses 40 years to lead his people out of Egypt, but he could do it in 30 minutes or less.
–Conan

A man in New York was arrested for punching another guy at a karaoke bar because he didn’t like his singing. The man was charged with two counts of “doing what everyone else wanted to do.”
–Jimmy Fallon

It’s Canadian Thanksgiving, a day that Canadians gather around and watch dad carve up the hockey puck.
–Craig Ferguson

It’s the 24th day of the Occupy Wall Street protests, also known as the largest homeless slumber party in the world. Some protesters brought their kids to the demonstrations. Some of the kids got bored and decided to occupy Sesame Street instead.
–Jimmy Kimmel

Two Americans won the Nobel Prize for economics. That’s like the Chinese winning for child day care.
–Jay Leno

Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there’s more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there’s also a few napkins and crazy bread.
–Conan

Yesterday on CNN, Michele Bachmann denied that her campaign is losing steam and said all candidates have their ups and downs. Then she said, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to hitchhike to my next campaign stop.”
–Jimmy Fallon

There’s a proposal in Congress to allow rich people who feel they don’t pay enough income tax to voluntarily pay more. Economists say this could bring in as much as $75 a year.
–Jay Leno

California had its first medical marijuana job fair. Over 2 million people meant to show up.
–Conan

The stock market skyrocketed today. See what happens when the banks and the federal government shut down for a day?
–Jay Leno

Officials in Venezuela have hired 120 mimes to help direct traffic. It’s confusing. You can never tell if the mimes are telling you to stop, or if they’re just trapped in a box.
–Jimmy Fallon

The Occupy Wall Street protests are getting pretty rowdy. This morning, they overturned Donald Trump’s hair and set it on fire.
–Craig Ferguson

Tim Pawlenty says he regrets quitting the presidential race so early. He said that when he runs in 2016, his campaign slogan will be, “Tim Pawlenty: This Time I’ll Quit Later.”
–Conan

One of the guys accused of organizing the Iranian plot to kill the Saudi ambassador is a used car salesman from Texas. Just when you thought terrorists couldn’t get any lower.
–Jay Leno

Amish people have rejected most forms of technology. They’re like old people, but on purpose.
–Craig Ferguson

A woman gave birth to a baby girl right after completing the Bank of America marathon. Because it was Bank of America, they charged her $5 to take the baby out.
–Jay Leno

Sarah Palin gave a speech in South Korea. Just what the Koreans needed: Two crazy dictators in fashionable lady’s glasses.
–Conan

A new study found that washing your hands can help you solve problems. Yeah, especially if the problem is, “stuff on hands.”
–Jimmy Fallon

A medical company claims to have created a blood test that can tell you when you will die. And the worst part is, it tells you in the voice of Elmo.
–Conan

Michelle Obama attempted to set a world record for jumping jacks. I think that will make unemployment a little easier to tolerate.
–David Letterman

Rick Perry said America’s revolutionary war was fought in the 16th century. When told it was actually the 18th century, Perry apologized and said, “I never said I was a geology major.”
–Conan

Don’t protest outside of a rich man’s house in the daytime, you’ll just scare the maid, and that’s Arnold Schwarzenegger’s job.
–Craig Ferguson

Today New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced that he’s endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It’s good news for Romney. I mean, you always want Chris Christie on your side. Unless you’re in a canoe.
–Jimmy Fallon

At the last Republican debate, the candidates were seated according to how they’ve been doing in the polls. So Jon Huntsman was seated next to Tim Pawlenty at a Denny’s across the street.
–Conan

President Obama had beer with four unemployed construction workers. And Obama asked the guys what was it like to lose their jobs, and they were like, “Oh, you’ll see.”
–Jimmy Fallon

---

ALSO @ DBKP:
* Late Night Joke Dump: October 7, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: September 30, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: September 23, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: September 16, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: September 9, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: September 2, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: August 26, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: August 19, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: August 12, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: August 5, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: July 29, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: July 22, 2011
* Late Night Joke Dump: July 15, 2011

---

There’s talk that Microsoft is going to buy Yahoo. Wow, that would be so cool. I could have both my Hotmail and Yahoo email accounts in one easily ignorable place.
–Jimmy Fallon

An Apple store in London was robbed by a biker gang. This answers the question, “Who would win in a fight — bikers or the people that work at the Genius Bar?”
–Conan

Someone threw a hotdog at Tiger Woods while he was putting. Legally, half that hotdog goes to Tiger’s ex-wife.
–David Letterman

A new survey found that people in the U.S. will spend a record $50 billion on their pets this year. I heard it on the radio, while I was driving over to my cat’s apartment.
–Jimmy Fallon

Apparently, teenagers are soaking Gummy bears in vodka and then eating them to get drunk. It does make me somewhat proud to be an American, because we finally found a way to get fat and drunk at the same time.
–Jimmy Kimmel

by Mondo
image: DBKP file
Source: Newsmax. To see all of the week’s late night jokes–even the ones we didn’t pick, click the link!

Mondo Frazier is the author of the upcoming The Secret Life of Barack Hussein Obama, which will be released October 25 by Threshold Editions, a division of Simon & Schuster.

Back to DBKP Front Page.

Your Ad Here