Late Night Joke Dump: September 30, 2011

This week's jokes: Up-and-Down

The best political jokes, propaganda and political/social commentary is almost always late at night. Here’s some of the best from the past week.

There was another big Republican debate tonight in Orlando, Fla. This one was sponsored by Google, which is tricky for Rick Perry because he’s a yahoo.
–Jay Leno

Today President Obama is visiting the hometown of House Speaker John Boehner. Obama plans to give a speech and then visit the tanning bed that Boehner grew up in.
–Conan

First Lady Michelle Obama will appear on the season premiere of “Extreme Home Makeover” on Sunday. The good news is, she’ll be refurbishing a house for a new family to move into; the bad news is, it’s the White House.
–Jimmy Fallon

Obama says he will be reforming No Child Left Behind. That’s not to be confused with Michelle Obama’s childhood obesity campaign, “No Child Left With a Big Behind.”
–Jay Leno

Southwest Airlines said someone is painting Arabic symbols on the sides of the airplanes. But they claim it’s not a safety concern. Really? Some nutjob is close enough to the plane to paint an Arabic symbol on it. Shouldn’t that be a Red flag?
Meanwhile, I’m getting a cavity search for two ounces of shampoo.
–Jay Leno

The tea party has formed a debt supercommittee that will meet this week at a Denny’s. It will be the first time in history that anyone at Denny’s will be interested in trimming fat.
–Conan

Sarah Palin’s website sent out an email to her supporters hinting that if they send her enough money, she’ll run for president. I need this woman to run. This kind of material doesn’t just show up every day.
–Craig Ferguson

President Obama claims his new jobs bill will be better than his old jobs bill, which only created one job that went to a guy named Bill.
–Jay Leno

Obama was heckled by someone who said, “Don’t forget about medical marijuana.” The Secret Service has narrowed the suspects down to everyone in L.A.
–Conan

NASA is developing space taxis to shuttle astronauts to the International Space Station. And just like New York taxis, they’re all going to be driven by aliens.
–Jimmy Fallon

It’s the first day of fall, or as the Republicans call it, “the end of global warming.”
–Jay Leno

Hallmark has launched a line of recession-themed cards that say, “Sorry you lost your job.” The good news is, the cards come pre-addressed to your congressman.
–Conan

The stock market dropped 400 points yesterday. I saw a bunch of guys running out of Goldman Sachs with squeegees.
–David Letterman

Mitt Romney says he wants Sarah Palin to run for president to make the race “more exciting.” Although with Mitt Romney running, even Al Gore on Ambien would make the race more exciting.
–Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.
–Jay Leno

Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.
–David Letterman

The Wall Street Journal is reporting that 20,000 heat-seeking missiles have gone missing in Libya. Although if you’re going to lose them, that’s probably the safest place to do it.
–Jimmy Kimmel

A town in China just canceled a dog-eating festival that has been a tradition for 600 years. Or as cats put it, “Uh oh . . . ”
–Jimmy Fallon

Scientists from NASA have said that a research satellite the size of a bus will crash into the earth on Friday. They say they have no idea where it will land, although they say it has better odds of landing in the end zone than the Kansas City Chiefs.
–Jay Leno

Congratulations to “CSI: Miami.” They’re celebrating their 10th straight year pretending to be in Miami.
–David Letterman

The new dolphin movie features Kris Kristofferson. What says “kids’ film” more than a grizzled country singer who used to drink two bottles of whiskey a day?
–Craig Ferguson

Kate Middleton is taking a class on how to act more like a queen. The class is being taught by Sir Elton John.
–Conan

The man who invented Doritos passed away at the age of 97. Let that be a lesson, kids. Junk food will kill you.
–Craig Ferguson

Herman Cain won the Republican straw poll in Florida. Cain has had more wins in Florida this year than the Miami Dolphins.
–Jay Leno

Joe Biden was a guest on “The View” today. It was a little weird, When Whoopi said it was time for “Hot Topics,” Biden was like, “The sun! Coffee! Toasters! Did I win?”
–Jimmy Fallon

by Mondo
image: DBKP file
Source: Newsmax. To see all of the week’s late night jokes–even the ones we didn’t pick, click the link!

Mondo Frazier is the author of the upcoming The Secret Life of Barack Hussein Obama,
which will be released October 25 by Threshold Editions,
a division of Simon & Schuster.

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