Late Night Joke Dump: September 3, 2010

This week's jokes: Not bad

The best political jokes and political/social commentary is almost always late at night. Here’s some of the best from the past two weeks.

President Obama said he can’t walk around with his birth certificate plastered on his forehead. Apparently he was reacting to new polls that show 1 in 5 Kenyans now believe he was born in Hawaii.
–Jay Leno

Tiger Woods just bought an apartment in Manhattan. What better place to practice golf and resist the temptations of single life?
–Craig Ferguson

A new study found that heavy drinkers outlive non-drinkers, but the ways they die are far more embarrassing.
–Jimmy Fallon

A newspaper is a thing that people used to read. It’s like a website, but all the information is from yesterday.
–Craig Ferguson

Congress is very upset with Roger Clemens because they feel like they were lied to. Good! Now they know how we feel.
–Jay Leno

Bed bugs can live up to a year without feeding. They’re like supermodels.
–Craig Fergusson

Mexico has captured one of its most notorious drug lords, called “the Barbie.” Still on the loose are Beanie Baby and Tickle Me Elmo.
–Jay Leno

Tiger Woods finalized his divorce. The settlement was brutal, but every other week, he gets to go visit his money.
–David Letterman

President Obama said that too many Americans are struggling to find jobs. You know what these Americans are going to be called? Democrats.
–Jay Leno

Paris Hilton was arrested again. Your move, Lindsay Lohan.
–David Letterman

Paris Hilton was arrested for cocaine possession. In her defense, it was in Las Vegas. Paris says someone else left their cocaine in her purse. In legal circles, this is known as the Lindsay Lohan defense.

From now on, when a joke bombs on this show, I’m going to say it was someone else’s joke.
–Craig Ferguson

Paris Hilton was arrested with cocaine and she claimed that she thought it was chewing gum. She was charged with possession of less than an ounce of common sense.
–David Letterman

A new survey found that 30 percent of parents get bored playing with their kids. That explains my parents’ favorite game to play with me: “hide & stay.”
–Jimmy Fallon

by Mondo
image: DBKP file
Source: Newsmax

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