ESPN’s Jeff McGregor: Hack Sportwriter Tries Stand-up Comedy

ESPN’s Jeff MacGregor tries his hand at political stand-up over the issue of Arizona’s new immigration law. Demonstrating that he not only didn’t read the language of the legislation, he never even read the Reader’s Digest version, McGregor achieves the expected result. That is to say: he’s about as successful as the Suns and Cardinals have been at winning sports championships.

What’s a hack sportswriter to do when he outraged by a bill he hasn’t read?

Run for Congress, where that skill not only comes in handy, it’s practically a qualification?

No, he writes a column demonstrating he hasn’t read the bill. But in a twist, he also tries his hand at sarc, snark and irony.

From Razing Arizona:

So until we enforce some of these restrictions on the residents of the state of Arizona, I’m not really going to feel comfortable. I’m sure not going to give them another $50 billion in federal handouts like we did last year. I mean, that’s my tax money, right? Why should they enjoy the fruits of all my hard work? Shouldn’t I have some say over how these people live?

What do we really know about them? They come to your town or my town and they take up their work and the next thing you know your own baseball players and football players and basketball players can’t win a championship because the fields are full of Arizona natives and Arizona transplants like Warner and Johnson and Nash; Finch and Beard and Strug. And the golfers! My God, the Arizona golfers, like locusts, thousands of them in their pastel slacks and skorts, with their gaudy white belts and their awful matching shoes, reeking of daiquiris and leather interiors, from Gulbis to Lehman to Barnes to Mickelson to McCord.

MORE at Hot Air Quotes of the Day.

“I mean, it’s not like I’m suggesting we stitch some kind of symbol to their clothes or anything. That’s crazy. A simple laminated card. Maybe with some sort of DNA coding. Or an embedded computer chip. GPS. Make it part of a digital national database. You just carry that special ID card at all times — or maybe wear it around your neck on a lanyard so the police can see it — and be prepared to show it to anyone who asks, and everything will be OK. If you forget your card one day, well, a night or two in jail never killed anybody, did it? OK, maybe a couple of people; but until things get straightened out, the risk of some little danger or inconvenience is a small price to pay for our peace of mind. Isn’t it? Wouldn’t a program like this let the rest of us sleep better?

You could call MacGregor a dumbass–but let’s not encourage the lad.

And what’s the commentary doing up on ESPN, loosely tied to sports by a few passing references to Arizona’s pro teams? Well, ESPN’s been doing this type of stuff for quite a while–which is why it hasn’t been watched in these quarters for years.

We thought about goofing on MacGregor’s lack of knowledge about what he wrote. But, his piece wasn’t that funny–especially to anyone who knows that the Arizona law merely enforces existing federal law–and a send-up of an unfunny piece would likely just be another unfunny piece. So, we’ll pass.

Alas, if only MacGregor had the ambition or moxie to run for Congress instead. The writer did get one thing right in the piece: the last sentence. He’s absolutely right.

Enough’s enough.

UPDATE: BigFurHat, IOwnTheWorld, has a GREAT idea: Message To Major League Baseball. I vote that we also extend it to NBA games and to receiving ESPN free whenever possible! Seems like the MacGregor’s of the world would break their necks screaming for the law to be enforced then.

UPDATE #2: Apparently, even the fans remaining at ESPN disagree with MacGregor and the “Los Suns” stunt. ESPN poll results: Is it appropriate for the Phoenix Suns to take a stand against the Arizona immigration law?

Only 6 states–and D.C., natch–say “yes”. See, when ESPN just reports what’s happening and doesn’t give bigots like MacGregor a platform to spew, they can do good work.

by Mondo Frazier
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