Our man in Paradise, pat, sent me this story from the U.K.’s Daily Express, of a study that found that women take “23 hours and 45 minutes” to get ready for a “special occasion”:

“WHEN it comes to that special occasion women take an amazing 23 hours and 45 minutes to get ready.

For it is not just about the couple of hours in front of a bathroom mirror on the day itself but a massive amount of preparation and preening.”

The study, done by “Sheila Wheels Home Insurance”–I’m not quite sure why an insurance agency would look into this subject–found that women spend an inordinate amount of time “preparing” for a special occasion and that it was “attention to detail” that “absorbed” women’s time.

Real Housewives of New York

I assume “special occasion” meant “date”. I guess it could also mean getting married, being a bridesmaid, attending a cocktail or dinner party, or, if you’re one of the Real Housewives of New York, hosting yet another “fund raiser”. Yet, since weddings are few and far between, and cocktail parties are the bane of corporate and upper-class existence, for the rest of us commoners, I’m assuming “special occasion” means “date”.

According to the report–the details of the report were fairly “unreported” by the Daily Express–3/4 of women will “get their hair done”, 13% will acquire fake tans, 37%, a pedicure and/or manicure, 18%, a wax job, and 13%, a facial. Also included, “trawling around five or six shops” and browsing the internet. All totaled: just 15 minutes shy of 24 hours in order to prepare for that “special occasion”. Some women even trot down to the local plastic surgeon clinic for a shot of botox.

Since there wasn’t any info as to the matter of men and their “prep” time, it’s up to me to “guestimate” how much time the “opposite sex” spend preparing themselves for “special occasions”.

First, would a man “shop” for a new outfit? I suppose he might, but chances are, he already has something he can wear hanging in his closet, wadded up in a drawer, or residing in the dirty clothes hamper. If he has to do laundry–unless he uses spray-away wrinkle remover, which takes less than a minute–then, 30 minutes to wash, 30 minutes to dry, 4 or five days to fold, another day or two to put away, then less than five minutes to throw on.

A man might get a haircut, a matter of 45 minutes of less, but it would be extremely rare for a man to also have a manicure or pedicure. He would make sure his nails were clean, which the 10 minute shower would take care of. A splash of aftershave, swipe of underarm deodorant, and teeth brushing adds four minutes. A quick blowdry: 4 minutes.

In this day and age, men may or may not shave, as the “scruffy” look has once more emerged as fashionable, as well as beards and goatee’s. If a guy does shave, he has a choice of either an electric shaver or a razor, either way, the time it takes a man to shave is less than, say, five minutes, unless he shaves his chest and back, which would require, 20 minutes? How men manage to shave their back is a mystery to me. Why, isn’t so mysterious. But unless he’s going to take off his shirt, then the back or chest hair is “safe” for the time being. No need to shave his legs, get a wax job, or pluck his eyebrows. He might pluck a few stray hairs from his nose or ears. Unless he’s vain, botox, a facial, or a session in a tanning booth wouldn’t even occur to him.

Dog the Bounty Hunter

Unless the man is Dog the Bounty Hunter, who, from the type of outfits he sports in his reality bounty hunting show, who probably takes ten times the amount time an average guy would take to dress, for most men it takes five minutes to dress and also make sure he has no holes in his clothes. Three seconds to check to make sure he has enough cash in his wallet–after five minutes to find his wallet. If he doesn’t have enough dough for the date, add 30 minutes to find the nearest ATM and his secret passcode written down somewhere in his wallet, and download the cash.

Another 30 minutes to gas up the car and clean out the trash, and perhaps, a quick trip through the car wash, another 5 minutes. Fifteen minutes at the local liquor store to pick out the six pack of beer, bottle of wine, or champagne, depending on the occasion, then purchase a scratch card for the Mega-Winner Super Jackpot. Thirty seconds to rub off the numbers, 1 second to toss the losing card back to the clerk.

Of course, a wedding means extra time at the local tuxedo rental shop, an “excruciating” hour or less, and more than likely, a new pair of shoes, another “excruciating” ordeal of an hour or less.

Total amount of prep time varies widely depending on the occasion. A wedding adds an extra hour or two to the equation.

If a guy uses spray away wrinkle remover, he gains almost an extra hour versus shopping for a new outfit or having to wash or dry the one he found in the dirty clothes hamper. If his clothes were already clean, then subtract the hour it took to shop, or wash and dry, and the 4 or 5 days it took to fold and put away in the closet or drawer.

If he already has enough cash, subtract the amount time it took to find an ATM and his secret passcode, an extra 30 minutes. If he already has gas in the car and his vehicle is clean and doesn’t need a wash, a rarity for sure, he gains another 40 minutes.

If he scratches off the winning numbers in the Super Mega-Winner Jackpot lotto, he’ll most likely replace the cheaper beer, wine, or champagne for a more expensive version, which will add another 10 minutes of scratching his head and asking the clerk for his opinion on what to purchase.

If he’s a lucky bastard and already has clean clothes and doesn’t need to shop, gets a haircut, and doesn’t want to shave his chest or back, has enough cash and gas in his car, and his car is clean, then it takes 1.5 hours.

If he’s going to a wedding as a groom or groomsmen and already has a clean car and enough gas: An extra two hours to rent tux and buy new shoes. Add an extra ten minutes to dress, another hour to figure out how to tie the bow.

At this point, I should be able present the total amount of time it takes for men to prepare for a special occasion, yet there’s just too many variables, such as back and chest shaving, the advent of spray on wrinkle removers, and the “scruffy” look. Even if a guy is going to a wedding, the total amount of prep time is less than 5 hours, far, far less than the almost 24 hours women, according to the “Sheila Wheels Home Insurance” report, purportedly take to prepare and “preen” for a special occasion. Yet there are variables for women’s prepping and preening too, such as if the woman were a bride, the prep time could easily be extended to weeks of furtive searching for the “perfect gown”.

Special occasions give women the green light to go “full out”, which is great because most women enjoy the prep work and “preening” before going out, whereas men enjoy going out, they only “dress up” when they have to. And some of it is useful, as we know that most men run away at the sight of hairy legs and underarms, while most women would find a dirty car, full of trash, a total turnoff, as well as bad breath and wrinkled clothes. We know the value of a good perfume and the allure of eyeliner and a well turned heel. It’s a ritual and rite of passage since before Cleopatra landed Julius Caesar and Mark Antony.

By LBG

Image – Dog the Bounty Hunter
Image – Cleopatra
Image – lips
Image – Real Housewives of New York
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